Is your spouse a narcissist?

The reason I ask is that this is something that divorce clients often raise with their attorneys. And understandably so. After all, there is a reason you and/or your spouse are seeking a divorce. And, certainly, selfishness is one of the root causes of many failing relationships.

It may be somewhat surprising to learn, however, that narcissistic personality disorder is a fairly rare diagnosis under the DSM V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).

The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose a personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:

A. Significant impairments in self (identity or self-direction) and interpersonal (empathy or intimacy) functioning.

B. One or more pathological personality trait domains or trait facets.

C. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.

D. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or sociocultural environment.

E. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).

Obviously, only a qualified mental health professional can make a valid diagnosis of something like narcissistic personality disorder.

It is interesting to know the characteristics of various mental health disorders. And we often speak in the vernacular about someone being a narcissist.

But it may be helpful to be precise when dealing with someone with a mental disorder. We all have traits that are like some of the criteria for mental disorders. We all experience depression from time to time. We all experience anxiety in particularly tense situations. To one degree or another, we all have the tendency to be a little selfish, or at least self-interested, at times.

In other words, to quote a popular song from a bygone era, “I’m lookin’ at the man in the mirror, I’m askin’ him to change his ways.”

Yes, we all share some (albeit usually to a very watered-down degree) of the characteristics of that ancient Greek mythological character Narcissus, son of the river god Cephissus and the nymph Liriope. He loved himself so much that he found little time for the love of others. A beautiful mountain nymph named Echo fell head over heels for him, following him around and attempting to hug him. He rudely spurned her, causing her to isolate herself in lonely glens until she faded away to nothing more than an echo. The goddess Nemesis, goddess of revenge, was indignant at this behavior. She lured Narcissus to a pool of water where he so admired his own reflection that he would stare at it for hours on end. When he realized this reflection could not reciprocate his love, he dwindled away and turned into a beautiful gold and white flower which still bears his name.

So why this recitation of a myth we all learned in grade school? It is simply a reminder that, while we all have tendencies towards selfishness, these impulses are usually tempered by a love of and consideration of our fellow creatures as well. We are not Narcissus. He is an extreme, an outlier if you will. And even someone with narcissistic personality disorder is likely suffering with an illness that is difficult or impossible for them to control.

But now to the point of all of this. The reason it may become important in the context of a divorce to be more precise about mental health issues is that they may affect things such as custody and parent-time with the children. Someone whose functioning is compromised by a mental illness or disorder may not be able to function at the high level needed to parent children full time. In such situations, it is not very helpful to simply do an amateur diagnosis based on our own experience with the person. It may be necessary to obtain input from one or more qualified mental health professionals who are competent to diagnose such disorders.

The procedures vary from state to state with respect to obtaining expert opinions about the best interests of the children and mental health diagnoses of one party or another. If you suspect your spouse who you are divorcing has serious mental illness that would affect their ability to function as a parent, you should discuss this issue with your lawyer.

In the meantime, if you do not seriously think your future ex-spouse has deep-seated mental illnesses that would affect the issues in the divorce, by all means still feel free to continue to refer to them as a narcissist. Your lawyer will know what you mean. Just know that it may not be technically accurate.

This material should not be construed as legal advice for any particular fact situation but is intended for general informational purposes only. For advice specific to any individual situation, an experienced attorney should be contacted.